Stars
by carlycarter
Summary: Set after the SA wedding. My take on the reason behind why Alex remained in Argentina without Stevie. This is how I picture married life and 'happily ever after' for Stevie/Alex
1. Chapter 1

Sitting here like this, finally in his arms, gazing up at the stars in the black night sky, seemed like an impossible dream come true. It seemed as impossible as reaching for one of these stars and holding it in her hand. He didn't seem to feel that way. Didn't seem to think it all that amazing. He was happy, and enjoying himself, and he loved her that was something she was certain of. She just couldn't will herself to believe it was real. He seemed to have no trouble. Things came and went so easy for him. Didn't he ever stop to look back?

She couldn't shake that feeling that once again something would come along and shatter this dream, that she would wake up, like she had many mornings the last few months, and realise she was alone. Even now resting in his arms on Killarney's vast fields she could close her eyes and remember those lonely days, that hateful stare in his eyes, that feeling that she had lost him, and even now that cut her deeply. She pressed herself closer to him and felt his arms pull tightly around her.

"Cold?" he asked her.

"Yes." She answered although she was not. She wanted only him to hold her tightly.

"Let's go inside." He said quickly. Once again he had taken it all wrong, and she cursed him for having to speak, to interrupt her thoughts. He stood and pulled her to her feet, then pulled her close and kissed her, and her childish thoughts vanished in his embrace. Then he took her hand, and side by side they headed back to the house that would be their home, Killarney. This was her dream, finally come true. She was finally living her dream and all the bitterness and doubts melted away.

Only when they reached the house and he let go of her hand to open the door, did those doubts creep in. Suddenly, after months apart from him, she seemed unable to cope with even a few minutes without some part of her touching some part of him. Something wasn't right. She couldn't let herself just enjoy it. She was almost looking for reasons to be unhappy. It was all she had ever known in her life. Unhappiness, disappointment. Betrayal. She couldn't let herself finally believe she had found something that would last, someone who truly loved her. She never believed it would happen for her.

The house felt cold and uninviting. It wasn't her home. It was his, and his brothers, and his sisters. Drovers was her home, and she found herself longing for the familiar warmth of the place. But Killarney was his home. And she was his wife, she reminded herself. She had to remind herself. He had been gone so long in Argentina she had to remind herself every morning she was indeed married as she woke up cold and alone. Now he was here, and that was all that mattered. She would grow used to the house. She would live with him anywhere. But still something wasn't right. She couldn't figure out what it was.

There were so many things that never made sense, the way he looked at her at his first wedding, all the things that had gone unresolved, the times he had looked at her like he hated her, and treated her like shit. And she had let herself forget all of that for him, just to live this dream.

But tonight seemed different, not like a fairy tale at all. Standing in front of the celebrant and all their family and friends on the wedding day months ago had been like a fairy tale, like something not real, and it was only now doubts started to set in.

It happened so quickly the engagement, the wedding. She never really knew where she stood with him. Sometimes he was so cold, sometimes they fought, sometimes she would close her eyes in those lonely nights and remember his cold eyes and his hateful tone throwing her off Killarney. But all of that she had put aside.

Sending her back home in the middle of their honeymoon had never left her thoughts though. What was so important about Nick and Tess that it led him to send her home all alone? What was so important about his business that he couldn't come home when Rose was in hospital? Or when Grace was trying to turn Drovers into a weed farm?

She began to realise that once again, she was not worth much to him. She never had been. Never been worth to him what he was worth to her. Never would be. But it seemed enough at the time, when they were married, it seemed enough that for one moment he stood looking at her as if she was the most precious thing on earth. But that one perfect moment had led to these months of solitude and pain. In the end he always brought her pain. It never seemed to bother him the distress he had caused her, or perhaps he didn't notice.

And now he was back. He was happy to see her. But he wasn't sorry for all that time apart. He never even explained to her what was so important about sending her home so he could stay on in Argentina. Surely he wasn't keeping something from her. Not him, he was so passionate about truth. He just didn't care about her. That must be it.

And although she longed for nothing more than to be with him this night, she couldn't allow herself to walk down that path of being used and discarded by him whenever he felt like it. Perhaps if he had been around these last months he would have been able to soothe her doubts and insecurities. But he hadn't. And her self respect and survival instincts had plenty of time to kick it. She had to get out of this so called marriage. Now.

He took her hand again, pulling her close

She resisted him. "I can't be with you." She told him. "I can't be with you anymore. This isn't going to work."

"Why not?" He asked in a weary but confused voice.

"Because you're everything to me." She answered, realising she was making no sense to him.

"You're everything to me too." He answered smiling "And I've missed you."

"No that's not true." She insisted. If I was everything to you why did you send me home from our honeymoon with no explanation? If you missed me why did you take months to come home to me? If I am everything to you how can you hurt me so much? How can you survive so well without me? She thought to herself "You don't even know that 'everything' means." She accused him bitterly.

"I'm sorry." He answered. Sincerely. But still confused. "I'm sorry I've been gone so long, but I'm here now."

"I don't want your apology. I don't want it now. Not because it's what you think I want you to say." She told him.

"Sorry." he mumbled again, and she took off her wedding ring and threw it at him.

"You don't even know what you're sorry for." She told him, angry more at herself for getting into this mess than angry at him. It wasn't his fault he didn't really love her. It was her fault for getting drawn into this marriage, for believing his fake promises, for believing just for that moment that he truly loved and cherished her as she did him. As she had always loved and cherished him.

"I'm sorry you're upset, I'm Sorry you're throwing things at me. We should be celebrating." He stood a bit confused, looking down to the ring at his feet and wondering what to say. He took a breath and in a serious tone began "Time is so precious. Let's not waste it."

She laughed then. But it was a bitter laugh. "Time is so precious?" She mocked him. "Time didn't seem very important to you when you left me here alone for all those months." Even to herself she sounded like a petty child, but she had to say it to him, to somehow let him know how much that had hurt her, how much she had missed him.

"I'm sorry." He said, sincerely this time. "I can't change that. But I'm here now. Don't be like this."

"Look me in the eye and tell me you'll never leave me again." She realised it was futile to make him promise. She meant little to him, and his promises meant even less.

He wouldn't answer her demand "Don't be like this, I've waited so long to be with you….

"You've waited so long?" She asked him incredulously, realising that his world revolved entirely around him and there was no place for her in it.

"I'm sorry." He apologised again. "Can't you forgive me?" He bent down to pick the ring up and held it out to her like a peace offering.

She didn't take it from his hand. She wouldn't be bought with jewellery. "Yes I can forgive you, that's the problem, each and every time I can forgive you. Forgive you and love you. No matter what. And you let me down over and over again."

"We're married now. Things are different. I know I was a jerk in the past." It was the first time he had even touched on the subject of their relationship in the past, all the mistakes he made, all the times he had hurt her.

"We were married when you cut our honey moon short and sent me home alone." She reminded him.

"There was a reason…." He began

But she wouldn't let him speak.

"We were married when you stayed behind for months in Argentina with your brother."

He sat silently not sure what to say. He hadn't wanted to explain things to her. Not yet. But it seemed the only way to make her see that he did love her. She gave him no chance to speak though as once she started she could not stop. And he let her, figuring it would do her good to get it off her chest.

"You are everything to me. Truly everything. And I can't go through this again. I can't live like this. I can't give myself to you and trust you, to have you treat me like this. When you're gone there is nothing left of me, I can't be like this." Silently she scolded herself for letting another human being become so important to her when for so long she had been on her own.

He looked into her eyes, seeing the fear, the pain. He hadn't realised how insecure she still was. Over these last months in Argentina he only pictured her as she was on the wedding day, so happy, so complete, so strong, so beautiful. That was the woman he married, that was his wife. He didn't like to think of her any other way. Didn't like to think he still had so much power to hurt her.

He realised at that moment, when she looked away from his gaze trying not to cry, that he could never tell her what had happened in Argentina. He could not put her through that. It was the reason he sent her home alone in the first place.

She looked back to him, looking for something, he wasn't sure what.

"This is it. Tell me now, is this going to work? Do you really want this? Do you want me?" Can I trust you with my heart, she silently added.

As she looked to him for answers, for reassurance, there was only one thing he could answer.

"No." He answered.

She looked shocked. He wasn't sure why. She has asked. She was the one standing there accusing him of not caring. But his answer shocked her. He hated hurting her. Hated lying to her. But it would spare her more pain in the end.

She stood still not believing she had heard it. He felt he needed to make it clear. "No. this aint gonna work. I don't want this. I don't want you." But deep in his heart he was crying out 'of course I want you, I've always wanted you.'

He felt sure she would know he was lying. He wondered how he would convince her. But apparently he had, as she turned her back and walked out into the night. He watched her out the window as she walked down the drive. She never once looked back. He wanted her too. Wanted to see her face one last time. But it was better this way. He had set her free. And he stood leaning against the window, tears streaming down his face, telling himself it was so much better this way.

He had undergone months of treatment for his illness while in Argentina. It was like torture, but thinking of her got him through it. And then he received the news that the treatment wasn't working as well as they had hoped. His chance of survival was slim to none. And he had come home to be with her, cursing himself for wasting so much time away. He didn't know how to tell her that he was sick, that he was dying. He didn't want her around to see him like that, although he longed for her presence each and every minute he was gone.

And seeing her today, seeing how much he had hurt her already, he couldn't put her through losing him like that. Better to set her free now. She would be fine, she had Drovers, and Rose, and her friends. She had spent these months without him and survived, she would be fine.

And with that thought he turned to his suitcases he hadn't even had time to unpack, and pulled them back into the car. He would go back to Argentina, it would be best for everyone. He made the decision, but he sat for hours in the car that night, unable to walk away as easily as she had. And he held tight to the ring she had thrown back in his face, unable to let it go, unable to let her go. All these months he had dreamed of holding her again. It was a longing so deep he almost drove down the road to find her, to pick her up in his arms and shout out that he loved her, to look her in the eyes and promise her he would never leave her, never hurt her.

But he would leave her. Soon. And he could not make that promise. Finally he placed the ring in his shirt pocket, close to his heart, and began his journey towards the air port.


	2. Chapter 2

She arrived back at Drovers thankful she hadn't told the others about Alex coming home. It meant she wouldn't have to explain why she wasn't with him as she should be right at this moment. She hadn't even known he was coming home. He had surprised her, which was a delight at the time. But now she looked back upon it, it irritated her. He just felt he could come and go as he pleased without even consulting her. That's how their life would be. She didn't want to live like that. She didn't want to live without him though, and begun to regret that harsh words she had said to him. She had missed him so much, and now he was here she had pushed him away. He must think she had lost her mind.

She quietly got to work that morning, pushing everything aside by concentrating on her tasks for the day. No one noticed her presence at Drovers that morning as being odd. She had still spent many days here while Alex was overseas. She had little else to do. She was quiet that morning, and when the others came near her she gave them that look to tell them not to even open their mouth, so they all worked rather silently. She even managed to smile now and then, determined to put Alex, and their marriage, far from her mind and never let it trouble her again. It worked. For about an hour.

She knew that morning, working on the property she loved, that she would have to leave it. It saddened her. But she had been slowly saying goodbye over these last months, preparing to move into Killarney. But that would have been different. She would have still been so close to the place, to her friends. She realised that morning she would have to go far from Drovers Run now. Far away from Alex. And she could never come back. She knew, as much as it sickened her, that it had to be this way. That there was only one person she could turn to now.

As she rode across the fields saying a final goodbye to the first place she had called home, that's when she saw him, kneeling down, tears streaming down his face.

He had intended to leave straight away for Argentina. But knowing he would not see this place again he needed to say some good byes. He stopped first by Harry's grave. It was in quite a mess, no one had visited for weeks, that was obvious. It frightened him, thinking that he too would be soon cold in the ground like his father, and he hoped that he had not left behind the same legacy that Harry had. He wondered who would mourn him? Who would tend to his grave? Would he just lay there, forgotten, as if he never existed? Who would remember him? What had he really achieved in his life? It brought him little comfort sitting by his father's grave. That's when his thoughts turned to Claire.

And as he sat over her grave on Drovers Run, he thought that he would see her again soon, if he believed in any kind of afterlife. He had thought a lot about it over the last months. He wondered where she was, if she missed those she loved as much as they missed her. At least she went quickly, he told himself. Waiting like this for death to take him was a torment he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. But he tried to be strong. It was so much worse for Claire, he told himself, she left behind her child. Little did he know that he too would be leaving a child behind.

He sat there at the grave of his friend and wept for all the things he would never know or see or do, and most of all for his dream fairy tale life that he would never know with his new bride. For the life he wanted to give to her, the joy and fulfilment he longed to bring to her, and once again he had brought her only heart ache. He finally got it right, finally got his life on track, and now he was powerless to stop it being senselessly snatched away from him. And so he wept.

She watched on as he knelt over Claire's grave, heartbroken and sobbing. It made sense to her in that moment. He still loved Claire. She had never been good enough for him, simply because she was not Claire. And at that moment she realised he would exchange her for Claire if he could. It brought her some consolation, made some sense of his behaviour the last months. Last night she had seen something in his eyes. Even thought he protested that he did not love her or want their marriage, she had seen love and warmth in his eyes. And it conflicted with the message his words gave her. But she realised now that love in his eyes was not for her, but for Claire. And she could not, would not, compete with a ghost for his love and attention. Now it was all clear. Now she could walk away.

She placed her hand gently across her belly thinking of her unborn child. His child. She never thought it would end up this way. She had dreamed the perfect family, and it seemed her dreams had finally come true. She should have known better. She didn't stop in that moment to really think about her child, or the in-justice of taking the child away so that it would never know its father. She thought only that she could not survive with him so close by. And that she did not want him to come back to her out of pity or obligation. So it was decided in that moment or confusion and pain. She would leave this place, and she would not look back. It may have been a thoughtless and hasty decision, but once her mind was made up there was no turning back.


	3. Chapter 3

It had only been two days since she left Drovers. To Stevie it felt like two years. She ached for the place she had come to know as home. To breathe the country air, to scuff her boots in the dirt, to smell the horses, she longed for her life back.

And Alex.....

"No!" She said aloud to herself. "Don't think about him." She wondered if being cooped up in this motel room was making her crazy, talking to herself.

The thought of going home had crossed her mind more than once. What she would give to have Regan put her arms strongly around her and just cry. Regan wouldn't press her to explain anything, she would just be there. And more than anything she felt at this moment, Stevie felt alone.

No not alone, abandoned. She told herself she had run from him, from Drovers, so she could hardly call herself abandoned. Her hand moved instinctivly to her stomach, gently rubbing the place that her baby was safely growing. She looked at herself in the mirror, trying so hard to see any sign of pregnancy. There was no visable sign this early in the pregnancy, no sign but for the morning sickness. And she began to wonder if she was really pregnant at all, had she imagined the whole thing? Had she imagined the look in Alex eyes as he refused to promise he'd never leave her? Had she imagined him weeping over Claire's grave and realising that his heart belonged to a ghost, and not to her?

She lay down on the bed curled up and closed her eyes. If she tried hard enough she might fall asleep and wake up in that field of Killarney in Alex arms, and the rest of those awful things wouldnt have happened. She would turn to him, and tell him she was pregnant, and he would leap for joy, he would kiss her, and hold her, and place his stong hands on her belly and start talking to their unborn child. He woud love the baby, she didn't doubt that. She wondered though, would he love this baby as much as Charlotte? Charlotte wasn't even his, but Stevie saw the way Alex bonded with her, was that becuase she was Claire's daughter? She didn't want her baby to grow up feeling second best to its father. But she didn't want it growing up with no father at all. She tried to think of the baby, but in that moment she could not get past her own pain, and how she could possibly survive it.

These thoughts confused her, and she put it down to pregnancy hormones making her act irationally. It wasn't fair to take his child away. But if he never knew about the baby what difference would it make? He wouldnt miss the baby if he didn't know about it, and he wouldnt miss her, Stevie knew that for sure. She wondered about the baby growing up fatherless. She knew it wasn't right. But she just couldnt face Alex right now. Not after he had just shattered her heart into pieces. She needed to be some where safe with her baby where he couldn't hurt her. She just needed time, and rest, and everything would work out.

As she drifted into a resltess sleep she placed her hands securely on her belly as if that would somehow make her unborn childs future secure. And right as she was about to fall asleep she could swear she felt Alex hand on hers, gently touching her and whispering "I love you Stevie. I love you. I love you. I love you." Her heart skipped a beat and she opened her eyes to find she was alone in that cold motel room. She pulled the blanket around her and tried to think of the joy of being pregnant. She gave up on the idea of sleep, for even in sleep there was no respite from her pain.

She tried to be glad for all the things that would be different this time. All the things she had wanted to be for Rose, she would be for this baby. It was her second chance to make things right, and her and the baby would be fine, they didn't need Alex. Rose would be thrilled to bits to have a baby sibling, Stevie tried to make herself smile thinking thoughts like that. But one thing kept coming back to her....Alex.

She had been connected to him always, and she had always known it even though he had not. And now a part of him grew inside of her. They would be connected forever. She wondered if it would hurt this much forever. If the joy of the brief perfect love would be worth a life time of pain.

She tried to tell herself it was better this way. There were things she had not told him, things that happened while he was away. She didn't know how to tell him, and wasn't sure she even would. And now she didn't have to face that dilema. In exchange for giving up that glorious moment of telling she was pregnant, she would get out of telling him the thing she most dreaded telling him. And perhaps losing out on a lifetime of love with him was a fair trade after all.

Everywhere her mind went was a dark place, to Alex, to her own mistakes, regrets, things she could not change or make right, fears for the baby, fears for the future. She could no longer stand it and finally gave in, picked up the phone and dialled the only number she could think of.


	4. Chapter 4

Alex had wiped his tears, and stood to his feet, wondering if he would ever make peace with the fact that he was dying, that he was leaving behind the most precious thing he had ever known, and her name was Stevie. He bid farewell to Claire's resting place and headed to the main house at Drovers. So much time was lost, he wouldn't loose a second more. He wouldn't run this time, he wouldn't leave her or let her down again, not it he could help it. Upon finding the house empty he sat and waited, as patiently as he could. After a few minutes he began pacing the ground, kicking stones, wondering if he should go look for her, but surely that would confuse the situation, she would likely come back here before he could find her. He would have to wait. And he practiced what he would say, imagining it in his head.

He would hold her face gently close to his. They would sit down. He would look her in the eyes and she'd ask him what was wrong because by that time there would be tears, he wouldn't be able to find the words for a minute and then she would begin crying too, sensing something serious going on.

_'I love you' _He'd tell her, _'I love you I love you l love you.'_

That's what he wanted her to know.

_'You're so precious and I love you, and I love every minute we've had, and I'm sorry I've wasted so much time.'_ That's what he'd say.

She'd look confused then, she'd tell him she felt the same, and kiss him, and tell him they had their whole lives…

_'No Stevie.' _He'd say gently, but firmly.

_'Don't be silly!'_ she would be almost yelling now, refusing to take it in, _'Alex you're being ridiculous, Don't talk like that.'_ and she'd kiss him again, and he couldn't pull away.

She'd bury herself in his embrace and they look at the stars and she'd talk about babies and grand kids and growing old together, and she'd sound happy, but there would be a tear in her eye, because she could tell from the way his body would be shaking that something was very wrong, and he'd have to grab her, and turn her to face him, and there was no gentle way to get it through to her, _'I'm sick, there is nothing they can do._' He'd tell it to her simple as that.

She'd be shocked, maybe she'd cry, maybe she'd hold him, after that he'd try soften the blow, '_Lets make the most of it, our time together_.' He'd tell her. He'd ask her to be strong for him, and she would be strong, he knew it, She would do anything for him.

_'I cant live without you.'_ She'd say

_'You can.'_ He'd answer

_'I cant.' _She'd protest

_'You have to.' _He'd tell her. _'But I'll be watching.'_ He'd promise her, although he didn't know if he believed much in an afterlife.

She would be ok, much as his ego would like to think other wise, she would be fine, he assured himself.

But every moment from that point would be tainted. Every last precious moment a black cloud would hover over them, and they'd just be waiting for the lightening to strike him.

It would be better to be Claire, just gone, suddenly, no warning, no goodbye. He wouldn't tell Stevie, he couldn't. He'd just wait here for her and apologise, say it was jet lag, he was being unreasonable, he'd kiss her, take her upstairs and drive away her doubts about everything. He would suffer with this disease but he would not let her suffer too. It would be his final gift to her.

He knew she had insecurities, and he shouldn't have left her for so long, she needed his reassurance badly. And he would give it to her. He'd make the last days the best ones of her life. She wouldn't see it coming, it would be quick, and the others would help her through it, in the end. And with that decided, Alex sat on the steps of Drovers and waited. He waited for days before he finally realised, she was not coming home.


	5. Chapter 5

Stevie surveyed her new surroundings and tried to understand her mixed feelings, and reconcile them with her sisters. It has been a long time since they had seen one another. Rose always divided them in a way that they could do nothing about even if they had wanted to. And now Rose was grown, and over seas. Now Rose knew the truth, now there was nothing but bad memories standing between Stevie and Michelle now. Memories they both seemed willing to put behind them.

It wasn't awkward as Stevie feared it would be, calling her sister to help her, again, after so many years. Of course she gave little information away, she only asked if she could stay awhile. But the desperation in her voice betrayed her. Michelle agreed instantly and sounded pleased enough. It reminded Stevie of their younger years. Michelle had never been one to complain about her young sister hanging around. Michelle had always been there for her, this perfect person whom she adored but could never quite live up to her expectations.

She was jealous of Rose, Stevie decided as she surveyed Michelle's livingroom. She glanced around and saw all the things she herself had wanted. Loving parents, nice house, and Michelle to come home to with all her problems, Michelle who could make all the bad things go away. Stevie had given up Rose, but she had also given up Michelle in a way. She was happy for Rose, that it all worked out for her. It made it worth all the torment along the way. But she still felt the outsider, like she had missed out on being part of something great.

It took a weight off her that Stevie didn't realise she carried, having some place besides Drovers to run to, to call home, to belong even for a few days. It meant something to have a sister who cared, and who she cared about, who took her off the street and made tea and small polite conversation. And Stevie tried to push her brief life as Mry Ryan to the back of her mind. It was a fairy tale, nothing more. She and Alex would never have been happy, never like Michelle, never had a family like this, never been successful. It just never would have worked.

Michelle raised no objection, not even a question, when Stevie asked her not to tell 'those people' she was here. Stevie wondered if it was because Michelle never seemed to like any of them anyway. Michelle never seemed happy that Stevie had found for herself a place to belong on Drovers Run. Perhaps Michelle was resentful what they meant to Stevie, to Rose, resentful that they gave Stevie another family, another life, anther chance? Perhaps Stevie was being too harsh on her sister, Maybe Michelle was only being loyal and respecting her wish for silence. In the course of this conversation Stevie did discover that Alex had called Michelle already. More than once. And suddenly it didn't seem like such a safe place to be anymore.

Michelle seemed appropriately horrified to discover the marriage was over between Stevie and Alex. She seemed surprised, and Stevie wanted to ask her why. Didn't Michelle remember her brief ill fated marriage to Jarred. It was Michelle who always told her she was not the marrying type, or the type to settle down and have a family. But even Michelle seemed surprised and sorry to hear this news.

"Problems with Alex?" Michelle had tried to get more information.

"Its over. Finished." Stevie answered her, hating the way Michelle made the collapse of her whole universe sound like a trivial problem.

"I'm sorry." Michelle told her, and she seemed to be, although disbelieving. Stevie felt she had to convince her somehow that she wasn't making it up, that it wasn't some small problem that would be sorted out and forgotten.

"He's cheating on me. Has been for a long time." Stevie told her. It was sort of true, Stevie told herself, he was cheating on her with a ghost. And it satisfied Michelle's curiosity. Michelle asked no more questions. Stevie didn't reveal the fact she was pregnant. It was too much to show up now on Michelle's door step alone and pregnant despite all the years had taught her.

That night Stevie fell into a somewhat peaceful sleep, as peacefull as she could get at this point or would ever get with Alex gone. She woke early and reached for the letters. Why she took them and no other happy memento from Drovers she did not know. She read them over each one. Although she knew them all by heart. She had never thrown one out, as if it somehow would bring bad luck. She read them, and told no one about them.

Each one was hand written to her, in an unfamiliar script, no postmark, hand delivered to Drovers. Each one was warning her about Alex, that he was going to leave her, taunting her about his extended time in Argentina. She read each one, and for the first time let it sink in that each word was true.

'He does not love you.'

'Where is he, hey?

'It was never going to work.'

Each was short, one or two sentences at most. But it got the point across nicely. Stevie wondered how this person had seen so clearly when she had not. How had she been caught up in this lie, was it really only months ago she had been in his arms, his bride, together forever.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been an uneventful evening, Stevie and Michelle had been shopping, much like old times, and come home, eaten dinner, watched TV and had an early night. Stevie had been nervous around Tom at first, but he quickly put her at ease. She imagined how lovely it must have been for Rose to grow up in this house, in this family, and all the regrets of the past seemed to fade away. And now she had a chance to make things right, to be the kind of mother to this baby that she never was to Rose.

She hadn't wanted to tell Michelle about the baby, not yet, she hadn't wanted to tell anyone. She had told no one at Drovers. She was waiting for Alex. He was going to be the first to know. But that would not happen now. She woke in the early hours of the morning with a sharp pain in her abdomen, and sat upright instantly. She didn't think twice about waking Michelle and begging her to drive to the hospital. And the pregnancy was a secret no longer.

~~

Alex woke early that morning gasping for air, it was as if he was drowning. He could have blamed it on his illness, but he knew somewhere deep down inside himself, that something was wrong with Stevie, he felt it in every part of him. Something was very wrong and he felt so powerless. He did not know where she was, what she was thinking, he wondered if he would ever get the chance to see her again, to hold her. And now his instincts told him she was in trouble, it was more than he could take. It was time for action.

Grace must know where Stevie is. It was as simple as that, and Alex was tired of playing games. He found himself at Drovers in the early hours. It must have been early, Grace was still sleeping. She woke to find Alex standing over her bed with a shot gun. It wasn't loaded, and Alex told himself that it made it ok. He didn't want to hurt anyone, he just wanted to scare her into talking, he needed to find Stevie and he needed it now.

Grace tried to hide her initial terror "Good morning Alex, Do you mind, its 4am." She said bravely. What do you want?"

"I want to know where Stevie is. That's all. Is that too much to ask for a man to know where his wife is?" It still felt new to him, saying 'his wife' and he realised he would probably not live long enough for that novelty to wear off

"I told you, I don't know." Grace answered him. Only because she could see the sorrow in his eyes that she didn't threaten to call the police. It was the truth, she did not have a clue where Stevie was. But like Alex, she felt it had gone on long enough. Stevie had to come back and face whatever was going on. Then she could leave if she wished, properly. It was really getting beyond a joke, and she wondered what Alex would do tomorrow or the next day if he was already breaking into Drovers in the middle of the night with a gun.

Alex didn't know if he believed Grace. She seemed sincere, she seemed worried and confused like he was. But there had to be more to it. "You must know something." He told her desperately.

"What did you do to her anyway?" Grace asked him. It had been on her lips all week, but she had restrained herself. Still, he had come into her home, into her bedroom, with a gun, so she felt she may as well ask him now.

"Excuse me?" He said. Grace could not figure if he was shocked by the question or by the fact she had the nerve to ask what everyone was silently wondering.

"You heard me. What did you do to her?"

It wasn't easy to answer. What had he done? He couldn't put it into words. He wasn't really sure. He had the misfortune to be stricken by a life threatening disease, but Stevie did not know about that. No one did. He had left her for months while he was in a foreign country not realising how this must look to her, and when she asked for his reassurance he failed to give it to her. But none of that excused the way she had disappeared like this. With not even a word to Grace to say she was ok. And none of that was anything he needed to answer to Grace McLeod. His relationship with Stevie was his business and no one else's.

"Go to the police." Alex pleaded with Grace

"Alex, they aren't interested. She's a grown woman, We've been to the police."

"Make them interested, tell them she stole from you, and they'll go looking for her." Alex suggested.

"Stole what? What's to steal? You think the police are gonna care about that, you think they'd believe it? They'd see through it in a minute, Alex, and having her arrested is surely not the way back into her heart." Grace tried to reason with him.

He shook his head. "I don't care, I have to find her, please understand this Grace, I have to find her. Now."

"I've been thinking." Grace said, and she could see Alex flinch at those words. Her plans were not always the greatest. "There is a way, if you really want to find her, but it's a little bit extreme." Later Grace would curse herself for mentioning it to him, she half expected him to laugh in her face. Only when he did not, did Grace realise how desperate he was.

It was only sheer desperation and pure love that drove him to listen at all to this crazy scheme. Alex nodded silently when she had finished and made some phone calls, and now he and Grace were on their way into Fisher. 'Forgive me Stevie, the big idiot made me do it' Grace whispered under her breath. Grace wondered if this was something that Stevie could forgive, of her, of Alex. But like Alex she figured it was worth the risk. She too realised something must be very wrong for Stevie to just leave like that. She sighed, it was too late anyway to talk Alex out of it.


	7. Chapter 7

"Are you ready?" Alex asked Grace as they got out of the car. It wasn't that he was totally ok with this plan, he had doubts, it was not the most brilliant plan, it was inherently flawed from the beginning. But he was a desperate man running out of time. And it seemed his only chance.

Grace was not sure she was ready. This was not one of her greater ideas, it was bound to backfire in the end. She was worried for Stevie also, but that alone would not have been enough to make her go through with it. It was the desperation in Alex that she could not ignore. That lost look in his eyes. She wondered if anyone would ever love her so much to go to such lenghts to find her. She didn't know what was driving Alex to such extremes, but she knew she could not ignore it.

"As ready as I'll ever be." Grace answered as she took a deep breath. Alex smiled at her then. If this worked out…."When" he reminded himself, When it all worked out he would have Grace to thank for her wacky idea, and for standing behind him at a time no one else would. "Go." She told him, "We shouldn't be seen together."

She was right, he should keep out of sight. "You sure you know what you're doing?" He asked.

"Of course." She answered, because he needed to hear it.

~~

Stevie had heard no sound sweeter than her baby's heartbeat. It amazed her to think there was a tiny person living inside of her. A tiny person who was a part of her and a part of Alex. She remembered the first time she had heard Roses heartbeat, Michelle had been with her then also. And now Rose was all grown up into a whole perfect person. She hadn't realised how much she had come to love this new baby until she thought she would lose it. She hadn't realised that her whole life and future were for that baby, and without it she seemed to have nothing left to go on for. Rose was grown up and didn't need her, Alex didn't want her, and she couldn't live at Michelle and Tom's house forever.

"Does he know?" Michelle asked her gently as she sat by the bedside at the hospital.

"No one does." Stevie answered. "I didn't tell anyone, I wanted to tell him first, when he came home…" Her voice trailed off and Michelle left the conversation there for the moment. The Dr had told her that Stevie's blood pressure was very high and that she should not get upset.

Stevie was glad her sister was there, telling her everything would be fine. Without her Stevie would have gone crazy. The doctors had said the baby seemed to be fine, and that they would monitor her closely overnight. Michelle had stayed with her all night, which Stevie neither asked her for or thanked her for. But she hoped Michelle knew how much it meant not to be alone.

Her thought drifted to Alex often. He should be here, with her, holding her hand, not her sister. He should be here to hear his baby's heart beat for the first time. But it wasn't something he wanted, marriage, a family, not with her.

"I know what you think." Stevie said finally to her sister. She should have thanked her for staying with her, but she had to take the tension out on someone, and Michelle was an easy and proximal target.

"Do you?" Michelle answered her.

"You think that once again I've screwed everything up. I had this perfect marriage to a perfect guy and I cant even make that last six months. You think I haven't changed and that I never will."

"I don't think that." Michelle answered calmly.

"I don't even have a job, how can I support a baby?" Stevie asked

"I'm sure Alex can afford child support." Michelle answered

Something about that statement made Stevie's blood run cold. It would mean Alex would know about the baby, she would have to tell him, she would have to see him, it was more than she could face right now. It's not that she didn't want him ever to know, she just didn't want to think about it now. She pictured him with Charlotte, he loved kids, maybe he'd love this kid too, maybe he'd want to take it and raise it and leave her out in the cold. Maybe he thought she would be a hopeless mother, maybe he'd be angry that she ran away like this and try to get back at her. Maybe if she hadn't run away then the baby would be fine and she wouldn't be in the hospital, maybe Alex would hate her for that. These thoughts made no sense, but her insecurities and fears ran deep and once she had tapped into them it was not easy to turn herself around.

"You're not 15 anymore Stevie, You were just a baby yourself then." Michelle told her. "You'll be fine, the baby will be fine, you'll see."

Moments like these made Stevie remember why she loved her sister. It was Michelle and no one else in her family that stood by her when she was pregnant with Rose, she would not have got through it on her own. It was only when Rose got sick and went to live with Michelle that the two sisters drifted apart. It wasn't Michelle's fault only, Stevie had distanced herself, she had to in order to keep on living. And as Rose got older and closer to the truth they were both so scared of losing her that they took it out on one another. But she could not fault a single thing her sister had done, she had stood by her and by Rose, and all the past bitterness seemed to fade away.

"Do you want me to call him?" Michelle asked after a moment of silence.

Stevie thought that over. Of course she did, she wanted him here, that was how it was supposed to be, but she couldn't shake the feeling that calling him was the wrong thing to do. She didn't want to deal with it all, with him, to explain everything. He was probably in Argentina anyway, she didn't want to get her hopes up.

"No." Stevie answered, and Michelle did not ask again


	8. Chapter 8

Alex sat, waiting for Grace, trying to be patient. At least he was doing something now, not sitting helpless waiting for things to fall into his lap. He closed his eyes. Every part of him ached. He knew it was not from his illness, it was because he was missing Stevie. And he felt that loss as painfully as if he had lost a limb. How could he have survived in Argentina without her for so long? These last few days were killing him. How could he have waited so long to kiss her, to hold her, to marry her? All that time - gone. He could never get it back. He could only make the most of the time that was left.

He wondered if this was how Stevie would feel when he was gone. If every part of her would ache for him? If it would ever go away? He wondered how she would survive it? He knew he would not survive it if the situation was reversed. And how could he do that to her? Leave her now? Leave her forever? When all she asked for was that he never left her again. It wasn't much to ask for. And he wanted to do it for her so badly. He couldn't believe that it was taken out of his hands. He could not believe that he would be the one to hurt her so deeply by leaving her forever. He hated himself in that moment.

He tried to picture her in his head, it seemed so hard, and he couldn't concentrate. There had been a time he was able to picture her perfectly, every inch of her. But it seemed so long since he'd seen her, she was drifting further and further away. He decided in that moment that the doctors were wrong, all of them. There was only one thing wrong with him, and that was that Stevie wasn't here. He couldn't survive apart from her. And once she came back to him, he would be cured, he would be ok.

This was some kind of punishment, he decided. Because he had wasted so much time, precious time that he could have spent loving her. But she would come back. He had to believe that. And if he was sorry enough, and loved her enough, if he held onto her tightly enough, then maybe he would be ok, they both would. He couldn't stand it any other way. He just needed Stevie back before it was too late, and then nothing would be able to hurt him.

He just needed this stupid plan to work. He had considered, briefly, confiding about his illness to the police and asking them to try harder to find Stevie. He wondered if they would feel sorry for him, if they'd do it. He wondered what they would tell her when they found her. He didn't want that for her. He didn't want to tell another living soul about his illness. And using it to get to Stevie seemed like tempting fate somehow. He wouldn't speak about his illness, wouldn't think about it. This stupid plan would work, Stevie would come back home, and they'd be laughing about all this before too long.

He sat, waiting for her, and just concentrated on loving her. Wherever she was, he hoped his love would reach her, reach deep into her heart and touch her. And make her come back to him.

~

Stevie fell into a restless sleep that afternoon. Like every other dream she had since her wedding day, she dreamt of Alex.

This time he sat beside her bedside in the hospital. He was looking at her the way he did on their wedding day. In a way that left her no room for doubt or fear. But she still had the letters in her hand. Those strange letters that had been delivered to her, planting doubts in her mind while Alex was away. He picked them up and read them, and she waited. He laughed and tossed them away like the rubbish that they were. She felt foolish for ever doubting him, for running from him. She searched her mind for all the things she was going to ask him, all the things she was so unsure about, but they were gone. There was only him, and her, and their unborn baby. She could find no words for him.

'Close your eyes' he whispered to her, and she felt his hands gently closing her eyelids. With his hand he stroked her hair and began to sing, to her, to their child. It was one of the sweetest sounds she had ever heard, and ranked right up there with hearing the baby's heart beat for the first time.

_Sleep, baby sleep, while the world passes by  
I'll be the keeper of your dreams tonight  
I'll be your eyes until you can see.  
I'll be your voice until you can speak.  
In this land of strangers I'll be the one  
to love and protect you, guide and respect you,  
In my arms you will be, forever home._

_Sleep, baby sleep, in an ocean of love  
No way of knowing what you're thinking of  
Close to the heart that's where you belong  
You're part of my spirit, part of my song  
First last and always I'll be the one  
to love and protect you, guide and respect you  
In my arms you will be forever home_

_Have you come to show me what love's all about?  
To lift up my faith higher than doubt?_

When he stopped singing, she opened her eyes, but he was gone. As if he had never been there.

Stevie woke abruptly and sat up, half expecting to see Alex sitting there, his presence had been so strong in her dream. But it was only Michelle who was in the hospital room with her. She noticed that for the first time since they had brought her here she felt no pain in her abdomen, and the headache that had been plaguing her for days had vanished. She could have put it down to the medications they had given her, but she knew better. It was Alex. Seeing him, even in a dream, made everything so much better. If just a vision of him in a dream could bring such peace, she could not imagine how it would feel to have him really here.

She knew at that moment that she needed him to be here, their baby needed him. It was all they needed, and would ever need. She needed him so much that all her doubts and fears vanished. He did love her, she knew it and he would love their baby, he would cherish their baby. She had to tell him. She had waited so long for him to come home, and practiced the words to say. She had looked forward to it, seeing his eyes light up as she knew they would. Why had she run from him? What had she been so afraid of? What had she been thinking? He would not hurt her, he would not leave her, he would not abandon her and their child.

Briefly her mind wandered to the things that had happened at Drovers while he had been gone. Things he did not know about. She pushed them from her mind. He would never know. She would never tell him. Those things didn't matter now. Those days that he spent in Argentina didn't matter; the long lonely days on Drovers didn't matter. She wouldn't think of them again, and it would be like they never happened. The past didn't matter. Only the future. And suddenly the future seemed so bright.

She longed to reach over and wake Michelle and tell her she had changed her mind, she did need Alex here. But realising Michelle had sat with her all night and was now asleep, she decided to let her sleep. It could wait a few more hours. They had a whole lifetime ahead of them.

~~~~

Grace walked confidently into the police station. If she just looked like she knew what she was talking about, then perhaps they would take her seriously. She surveyed her outfit, grateful that she hadn't chosen a career in the convent, the nuns habit did not suit her.

"Can I help you Sister?" The young officer asked as he stood to his feet. He looked all of 21 years old. She looked around. He seemed to be alone, which was part of the plan. And she seemed to make him nervous which was even better.

"Sister Mary Grace." She introduced herself. They were all called 'Sister Mary' weren't they? She silently congratulated herself that her drivers licence was under her mother's maiden name just in case they wanted ID. Of course it would all come out eventually. It wouldn't take much digging to figure it out. But hopefully in the mean time Stevie would be found. After much deliberation they had come to another town. People in Gungellan knew Grace, especially the police. Now they were in another small town not too far away, with a small police department.

"Would you like to take a seat?" The young man asked.

"May God bless you for your kindness." She said, hoping it was the right thing to say, and that this young man was not terribly religious. They sat.

"How may I help you Sister?" He asked.

That's when she turned on the fake tears. She thought it a rather brilliant performance, and hoped she and Stevie would laugh about it one day.

"I have spent many hours in prayer before coming here." She told the young officer.

"Yes I'm sure Sister." He answered. He looked sincere. Her little charade seemed to work out.

"I have committed a terrible sin." She told him.

"Perhaps you ought to speak to a priest about that." He suggested, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"That's just the trouble." Grace sighed loudly and shook her head "The priest." She said to him as if this explained it.

"Uhm, what exactly about the priest?" He asked, not sure he wanted to hear it.

Grace wiped her fake tears. "I never meant for it to happen, you understand, the good Lord knows that."

"I'm not sure that I am following you, forgive me sister." The young man spoke nervously. "Perhaps if you explained it from the beginning."

"Yes alright." Grace nodded. "I was walking past the confessional, just walking past as I do every day. Very innocently you must understand. And then one day I stopped just for a moment to thank the Lord. And I couldn't help myself." She paused for dramatic effect and hid her head in feigned shame. "I will be excommunicated, I'm sure of it! Oh the shame!"

The young officer was speechless, unsure that he wanted to hear a nun unburden her soul. This was his first day on the police force and it was going to be a long day.

~~

**Forever home (A Fathers lullaby). Wally Kurth**


	9. Chapter 9

Alex and Grace arrived at the hospital, but not before the police had. Neither he nor Grace had really stopped to think of the consequences of their plan. They had spent the two hour car journey mostly in silence, surprised and alarmed to find Stevie was in the hospital, and frustrated that the hospital would give them no information.

The plan had worked, it could not be denied, they had found Stevie.

_"Let me know please when you find her. I wish to pray for her soul. She would want that. You wouldn't begrudge the poor girl prayer at a time like this would you?" Grace had said to the constable as she flashed her sweetest smile. _

The plan had worked a little too well.

_"I overheard something, in the confession….about a terrible crime." Grace had told him. "It's a sin for me to repeat this. Things uttered to a priest in confession are sacred." She had led him along, making him feel he had worked hard to pry the truth from her. "But surely there must be justice, Don't you think? Our Lord is a Lord of justice." She had told him. He agreed wholeheartedly. _

In the hospital waiting room, realising they would not see Stevie any time soon, Alex and Grace had not much to do but argue about whose fault this mess was.

"It was your stupid idea, I don't know why I listened to you." Alex told her

"My idea? Oh it's all my fault is it? You went along with it." She defended herself. "You're the one that went over the top."

He punched the wall with his fist. Yes he had gone too far. He wanted to make sure the police took him seriously, that they believed him, that they would look for Stevie and not see thorough him. He was so determined to fool them, knowing that they would not look for her just because he had fought with her and she had taken off.

_"It's difficult for me to talk about." Alex had said painfully when the police rang him. Less than an hour after Grace had finished her story his phone had rang. He and Grace had been staring at it, waiting for it, and he had rehearsed his lines. _

He hadn't expected it to go this far. He only wanted to be with her. He hadn't looked beyond that. The future didn't mean much to him, he didn't have one. He hadn't stopped to think about the mess he would leave behind for Stevie. He had been surprised to find Michelle at the hospital. She and Stevie were far from close, and as the minutes went by his anxiety increased, imagining all the possible scenarios. His own illness grieved him, but thinking of Stevie sick or hurt tore at his heart in a whole new way.

Finding Stevie had not been enough. What good had it done for him, or for her? It was worse somehow to know she was just down the corridor, so close but out of his reach. She will hate him, when she realises the things he has said to the police. She wont understand why. He needed to explain it to her. There was so much he needed to explain. More than that he needed to know she was ok. He could face his own frightening future, but he could not face something happening to her. Knowing she was sick but not what was wrong or how to help ripped his heart even further. This morning he had thought things could not get worse. He was learning fast, there is always room for things to get worse. But he promised himself that if Stevie was ok, he would be happy for that. He wouldn't complain about his own fate or the cruelty of his life being taken. He just wanted for her to be alright. And he wanted, so badly, for her to be in his arms right now.

"I didn't mean for the whole case to be re opened, I just thought they'd make some enquiries." Alex said finally, more to himself than to Grace.

_'I have found out some devastating news" Alex had said slowly. '"My wife, she was involved with my fathers murder." He didn't feel bad dragging his dead father into it. Or slandering Stevie's name. He would tell the police it was all a mistake as soon as they led him to Stevie. 'She framed an innocent person.' Alex went on. He had said too much. Far too much. But he honestly didn't think about the consequences._

~

Stevie answered the questions with mild amusement. She knew the questions before the police asked them she had heard them so many times before. It made no sense to her why they were here. She hadn't been alarmed to see them. Even when they started questioning her. She was confident in Sandra's guilt and her own innocence, and confident the world believed that now. It didn't occur to her to panic at being questioned about Harry's murder. All her negative energy was focused on Alex, there was no room for nonsense like this. In fact it was entertaining being visited by the police, a break in the monotony of hospital routine. And the police found her calm manner highly suspicious.

It was only when they mentioned Alex that her heart began racing.

"We've spoken to your husband, Mrs Ryan."

Those words cut right through her. _Your husband. Mrs Ryan._ But still it didn't quite click for her. The police noticed her change in demeanor and attributed this to a guilty conscience, and fear that her secret had been discovered.

"Your husband has told us what really happened to his father." The police said slowly.

Stevie looked back at them confused. What really happened was no secret. Sandra had confessed. Stevie didn't have anything to add to the conversation and sat waiting for what came next.

"Your husband has told us about your involvement in Mr Harry Ryan's death, and that you coerced another person to confess to the crime, taking advantage of her unstable mental condition."

She suppressed the urge to laugh in that brief moment before it all sank in. It was when she realised they were serious that things began making sense. Under normal circumstances she would have been enraged. She would have proclaimed loudly her innocence, and dismissed it all as rubbish. Sandra was guilty. It was an accident, but one Sandra was responsible for. But her only thoughts were for Alex.

Things fell into place. His absence in Argentina, the strange way he was acting. He believed she had been responsible for his fathers death. She had, in a way. She remembered arguing with Harry that day, and the guilt she felt. She remembered confessing that to Alex. Did he hold that against her? Had he all along? Or did he believe truly she had lied and Sandra was taking the blame for her? How could he have married her if that's what he thought? To get her to confess? To gather evidence to see her convicted of murder? Is it something he just decided today? Or maybe when he was in Argentina it was something he and Nick came up with together?

She had no answers and didn't need them. All that mattered was that he thought she was a murderer. He believed she had killed his father. There was no turning back from that point. There was no way to fix it or change it. That was it.

It wasn't the police and their accusations that taunted her, it was that Alex had started it. Alex who she loved with her whole heart, Alex who she gave her heart to, Alex who she thought knew her and believed in her, Alex thought she was capable of this. It was that which made it impossible to stop the tears that fell. Again this made her look more guilty than anything else, but she had no control over it even if she had been concerned with it. Michelle stepped in at that point and demanded the police leave. They had left, but promising to come back to continue their questioning.

Stevie closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. She wanted to hide forever, from the police, from Alex, from what her life had become. She didn't want to think or talk, only for all of this to disappear. She reminded herself over and over that for the baby she needed to survive this, to fight for her innocence and to be strong even though she felt she would die without Alex at her side. She wanted to explain to Michelle that she was innocent, but she realised she did not have to. Michelle knew it. Her sister who had been estranged for 15 years and had no reason to believe in her, she knew the truth. Stevie may be foolish and stupid at times, but she was not capable of cold blooded murder. Why couldn't Alex see that?

"Alex is here." Michelle had told her. "He wants to see you." Michelle had seen him only briefly where he was begging her to tell him that Stevie was alright, pleading with her to let him in to see his wife, and asking her to tell Stevie that he loved her. She dismissed him, she had no time for him. She had been happy to hear about the marriage and he seemed like a wonderful guy who made her sister happy. But now she was not so sure. He had brought only misery. And to accuse Stevie of being involved with a murder was unforgivable, especially at a time like this. But his sad eyes had got to her, and she felt she had to tell Stevie he was here. "He said he loves you." Michelle passed on the message. He had seemed so sincere when he said it. Stevie did not respond, pretending to be asleep, but Michelle knew she had heard. Michelle wasn't sure what to do or say, or how to make everything ok. She wanted her sister to be happy, to have a family and settle down, but things never quite seemed to workout for Stevie. Trouble followed her around from the day she was born.

Michelle kept talking, unsure of what to say or do, but wanting Stevie to know she was not alone. "Don't worry, I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding. It will all be ok, you'll see." Michelle wondered if it was true, but she said it.

"Your friend is here." Michelle kept talking. "She wants to see you too. The nun."  
She hadn't thought of her sister as the religious type, but maybe it was a good thing to have some faith in something at a time like this.

"What nun?" Stevie asked as she opened her eyes, confused and momentarily distracted from Alex.

"Your friend outside, Sister Mary Grace."


	10. Chapter 10

Stevie turned the events of the day over in her mind. She wanted it all to go away. How could Alex blame her for Harrys death. Well of course he could, it was partly true. She had argued with Harry that morning. And Harry had experienced chest pain. And Stevie had felt guilt over that, she had confessed to Alex. She had no choice, she could not have lived with it. But he had been so sweet and so tender to her in that moment. He gave no signs of blaming her for any of it. How could that all have been an act? Why did he not say something earlier? Why did he marry her in the first palce? Oh how he must hate her. What kind of man stays on his honeymoon and sends his new bride back home? Something was very wrong. Very very wrong. Even back then. Why had she not seen it coming?

Stevie tried to remember the times before that. The proposal, the wedding day. He had seemed so sincere. She looked into his eyes and saw so much love it made her stop breathing. Had that all been pretend, or had she seen only what she wanted to see? Is it possible she had been kidding herself?

She had loved him. Always. And time and time again he had let her down and hurt her. Perhaps Harry was right, she just wasn't good enough. She should have known better than to give her heart away like that. But it wasn't as if she had a choice. She could not have stopped herself falling for him.

She wanted to put him and her life out of her mind, but she knew it was futile to try. She would not see Alex, she could not face him, not yet. Not to look at him and see the truth of how he felt. But she was curious. About her friend the nun. About why Alex was here, just to see justice done? Did he not care at all? It was hard to swallow. She would talk to Grace. Grace wasn't really part of her life on Drovers anyway, she was new to Drover, she wasn't close to Alex, she hadn't been around to see all the events unfold. Grace was a friend from the past. Someone like Michelle. Someone safe. She would ask Grace why they had come here, what was going on. She needed someone to tell her. Someone who knew and wouldn't lie. With that in mind she asked Michelle to send the sister in.

Michelle was pleased Stevie was speaking to her friend the sister. Perhaps she would find some comfort from religion. Stevie could use all the prayers she could get, for her health and the baby's. And for strength to get through this time. Michelle could see how much she had loved Alex, how much he had hurt her. She had not seen her sister so in love before. Sure there had been men, but no one who could make her eyes light up like Alex had. No one who caused such a depth of sadness that she now saw. She had hoped her sister was finally getting her life together. A nice man and a great job. Finally some stability. And a child.

It was hard for Michlee over the years to think about Stevie. She herself lived in fear that Rose, who she had come to love as a daughter, would be taken from her. And it left no room to wonder how much Stevie loved and missed her little girl. It must have torn her heart out. She had much love to give a child, and michelle knew that Stevie loved Rose deeply. She had hoped Stevie would find a life to settle into, make a family, have children.

And now she was pregnant. But things were such a mess. Stevie herself was a mess. The timing was so wrong. And what about Alex? Would he want custody? What kind of a man was he to cheat on her so soon after the wedding. He seemed so happy on the wedding day and Michelle could not make sense of it. She was angry that he had hurt her sister so badly and she intended to tell him so. To find out exactly what the hell he was playing at. This was nonsense about the murder. How dare he do this? And when she was sick and in the hospital. Alex Ryan would pay dearly for this.

~

Despite how miserable she was feeling, Stevie laughed when she saw Grace in her nuns costume.

"Where have you been?? Why didn't you call? We've been so worried. Alex has been devastated? Are you ok? Why are you in ths hospital? Whats going on?" Grace questioned her friend not giving her a chance to formulate an answer.

Stevie shook her head slowly, not wanting to think, and not having an answer. She began to wish she had not agreed to see Grace.

"What are you doing dressed like that? You look ridiculous." Stevie asked her, when what she really wanted to ask was how is Alex? Does he hate me? Doesn't he miss me ? Even a little bit?

"It's a long stupid story." Grace said

"I have time." Nothing but endless lonely hours.

"I am so sorry. It was my idea, and only because we were so worried and needed to find you. You should have seen Alex. He was distraught. He's missed you so much."

Stevie shuddered. Had he missed her? She longed to believe it. But maybe he just wanted to see her suffer, to see her arrested for murder. Was that why he was so desperate to find her?

~

Michelle stormed up to Alex Ryan as he paced the hospital corridor. She was furious. He would not get away with treating her little sister like that.

"You were told to leave " She said harshly.

He stopped in his tracks at seeing her. Finally something was happening. Something other than him pacing the floor going crazy. It seemed so ridiculous. He was the one who was sick. Not Stevie. What was she doing in the hospital? Why had she left like that? Sure, they had fought and he had said stupid thoughtless cruel things. But to leave Drover and not even tell the girls where she was? To go runing to her estranged sister? It made no sense. And Stevie would not even talk to him. He did not blame her. Perhaps she was still angry about the argument. Or angry about the police. He w ould explain it all. But she was being so foolish, they had so little time left. He was prepared to face her anger, convinced he would make it vanish instantly when he held her. He was not prepared for the wrath of her sister.

"Is Stevie ok? What is going on?" He asked.

Michelle stopped and examined him closely. There was something so sincere, so gentle, so sad. It made her want to ask him what was going on. It had been a long time since she had any interest in her younger sisters life. She felt it wasn't her place to ask him. But at the same time she seemed the only one who might be able to sort things out. Stevie had come to her and trusted her. And she felt obliged to do what she could to help. Michelle tried hard to maintain her unfriendly posture, wanting to make it clear that she was one hundred percent on her sisters side of whatever this issue turned out to be. "No, you will answer my questions first." She demanded as she motioned for him to sit.

Alex hesitated. Spilling his story to someone else had not been part of his plan. He had not even been sure it was right to tell Stevie. But as he examined the situation, he realised he would need Michelle. He was fast running out of time, and ideas, and ways to reach Stevie. So far he had only pushed her further away. It was his last chance. And so he took a deep breath and told Michelle the entire story.

~

Michelle sat in silence listening as this desperate man poured out his tragic tale. She could see instantly his love for Stevie, could see how the misunderstanding occurred. But she did not know what to do about it. Alex had pleaded with her to talk to Stevie and convince her to see him. Surely that was a reasonable request. She wouldnt have to tell Stevie anything else. Alex had asked her not to. He wanted, needed, to tell her alone. And Michelle did not envy him that task.

Still Michelle felt conflicted. Hw would this news affect Stevie, and there was her health and the baby to consider. It was not a great time for such bad news. Maybe it would be better if Stevie hated him, maybe it would hurt less to lose him. Maybe Stevie would move far away and never know what became of him? No, Michelle knew her sister too well for that. Especially if there was a child involved, Stevie would not hide from him forever no matter how much she claimed she wanted to. But would it be too late then?

Uncertain of what to do, she did not tell Alex any information about Stevie, or that she was pregnant. She felt it not her place in any case. And it just complicated everything so much more.

"Stevie told me you were cheating on her." Michelle said finally. She felt for him as he was already so distressed, but had to know the truth the whole truth, and now might be her only chance to find out all the facts.

"What??!!" Alex was genuinly shocked. "With who? Where did she get that idea? I would never even look twice at another woman." He proclaimed. "You have to believe me." He pleaded desperatly.

Trouble was, Michelle did believe him. It would be easier if she did not. Easier if he was just a lying cheat. That could be dealt with. But this....it was not something she wanted to think about. It was an unimaginably awful situation that she could not bring herself to expose her sister to. She could not allow Stevie to hear this news, at least until she was well and they were certain the baby was ok. Having decided on that, Michelle told Alex to leave. She promised to speak to Stevie and explain about the police. And to ask Stevie to see him, and pass on his declaration of undying love. Undying. The word caught in his throat as he said it. What use was undying love when the man himself would not be around? Michelle felt terrible for him, a young man, to be so sick and dying so young, with a new wife and a baby on the way. But she would leave herself no room to feel sorry for him, all her energy was focused on protecting Stevie.

~

Alex left reluctantly, not wanting to get Michelle off side. He thought over the things she had said. Stevie thought he was cheating on her? This was getting all too crazy. He had to tell her the truth. As each moment passed he was more certain it was right. He did not want her to think he had just abandoned her. He was determind to show her how much he loved her, to show her so much so that she would never forget. But he needed Michelle to talk to her, to convince her to see him. He took a deep breath as he sat outside the hospital grounds. He would not go far, and he would not have to wait long. He realised only then that Michelle had not answered any of his questions about Stevie. The unanswered puzzle frustrated him, and he waited for Grace hoping she may be able to shed some light. Perhaps he had not needed Michelle after all. But he did not regret telling her. It felt like a weight off his shoulders. It felt like a step closer to Stevie. He had no time left for regrets.

~

Stevie was quiet when Michelle went back inside the hospital room. She thought over all Grace had said about the stupid scam to call the police. Had that been true? She felt like she had betrayed Alex doubting him like that. But she was still so uncertain what was going on between them. He had still told her they had no future together. That was not part of a scam. That was straight from his heart. He was still in love Claire, and she still could not measure up. And she just did not want to deal with it all now. She was so worried for her unborn child, and was trying to remain calm like the doctors had told her. The only way to do that was to forget him. But still she couldnt help herself, she had to ask.

"Is Alex still here?" She asked Michelle

"No." She answered quickly. That much wasn't a lie. He had left, because she had forced him to. "He left ages ago. He won't be bothering you anymore." She had wanted to tell Stevie not to worry about the police, that it had all been a stupid scam from the beginnng. But then the story would get complicated. She did not realise that Grace had already told Stevie that much, and to Stevie it did not make much difference.

Stevie couldnt help the stab of disappointment that he had left so suddenly. She had asked him to, so she supposed she could not blame him. She didn't know why he had bothered to come. Perhaps he had gone back to cry on Claire's grave. She tried not to think about him, not to care, but it was not possible. She could not help the tears that slipped down her cheeks.

"Forget about him." Michelle said gently "You don't need him. Think about the future, about the baby, Rose is coming home next week. She will be so happy to know about the baby." Michelle tried to steer the conversation away fromAlex, tried to make Stevie forget him, let him go, there was no point investing her energy in that relationship. It was better this way. But even as Stevie smiled at the thought of seeing Rose, Michelle realised that some things would not easily be forgotten.


	11. Chapter 11

Grace almost tripped over Alex as he sat waiting on the steps of the hospital. Waiting, thinking, wasting precious minutes.

"What's going on? Is Stevie ok?" He asked quickly, relieved that at last someone had come along who could give him the answers he so desperately sought. "You told her about the police right? You explained everything, that we never meant it to go this far...."

"I told her, she's ok." Grace answered, feeling torn between the promise of silence she had made to her friend, and the demanding desperate man in front of her.

"And?" Alex asked.

"Just give it some time, come on lets go." Grace said. "No use sitting here all night."

Grace thought back to the conversation she had with her friend.  
_  
"I thought we were friends Stevie. You can trust me. What ever is going on with you and Alex has nothing to do with me, its no reason to leave Drovers and make us all worried sick. You really want to shut all of us out of your life like that?"_

"Course not." Stevie answered. And it was a little over the top she realised now, to walk away from her entire life just because of him.

"Then explain it to me, please Stevie, I don't understand." Grace asked.  
_  
"You would have to promise to tell no one, especially him." Stevie warned her._

"I promise Stevie. How can you even ask me, of course I won't repeat anything you say to me." 

Grace wondered at the time if that was a wise thing to promise, but she saw no choice. Now she was in the awkward position of facing Alex and trying not to mention anything. She had urged Stevie to tell him about the baby, Stevie had refused.  
_  
"He has a right to know don't you think? And he'd be thrilled." Grace told her friend._

_"Maybe he does and maybe he would. It doesn't change things for him and me though. Its over. I just can't deal with him right now. Can't you just make him go away?"_

"Easier said than done." Grace replied.

"I can't believe you went along with this stupid plan."

'If you'd seen how desperate he was then you'd understand. Think about us for a minute, we didn't know where you were or why or if you were dead or alive. What did you want us to do?"

_"Fine, I'm sorry." Stevie mumbled._

"Well fine, I'm sorry too." Grace replied.

"Please respect my wished Grace." Stevie begged her. "Please don't say anything to him about the baby. Please just take him away."

"Ok." Grace agreed, it was not her place to tell him anything. But getting him to leave would not be easy. " Is that why you left? Because you're pregnant?" Grace asked

"No." Stevie answered.  
_  
"Then why?"_

"It doesn't matter now." Stevie answered sadly, not wanting to get into the whole story. Not wanting to remind herself that the man she loved more than life itself did not truly love her or want her.

"Why did he stay so long in Argentina?" Grace wanted to know. Things had been so odd for a long time now and she wondered if something had happened in Argentina

"Please trust me Grace, It doesn't matter anymore. Just get rid of him." It really did not matter, Stevie decided. In fact it was good things ended so quickly like this. If not, she would have spent her life time trying to hide from him the things that happened while he was in Argentina, and each day she would wonder if today would be the day he found out. Each day that went by she would know it would only make him hate her more for not telling him sooner. It would have caught up with her in the end. It was better this way. To be over before it really even begun.

Grace was not sure Stevie could be trusted at the moment, nor that getting rid of Alex was the solution. But because Stevie had pleaded with her she agreed. Besides it was helping no one to have him sitting outside, everyone including Alex was only growing more agitated. Somehow some way she would convince Alex to leave it for now and go home.

~  
**  
One week later. **

Michelle was rather pleased with herself. She had sent Alex on a wild goose chase halfway across the country. It would be days before he figured out what she had done. It would give them all some peace away from him, and perhaps he would take the hint and give up. Michelle did not allow herself to think about him, about how sick he was, and how tragic it was. She did not want to know about it. She preferred to believe Stevie's story, that he had cheated on her. She preferred to imagine him as an awful heartless cruel man. It made it easier to get rid of him that way. She reminded herself that his presence would lead to so much unhappiness and it was better for all if he just quietly disappeared. Stevie would get over it.

Things had started to settle down in that week. Stevie had been released from the hospital, and she and Michelle had left town for a few days to get away. Rose would be coming home tomorrow and they were both excited to see her and hear about her travels.

Just as life began to be taking a good turn, there was a knock at the door.

They were surprised to find two police men standing at the door, wanting to discuss Harry Ryan. Both had forgotten all about that stupid plan of Alex, and assumed the whole situation would just go away.

"There was a mistake, it's all been sorted out now." Michelle explained to the two men.

"I'm afraid it's not quite all sorted out. There are some unanswered questions and we would like to discuss the matter down at the station."

Stevie had no choice but to accompany them. She wondered if this was another trick from Alex. If he was somehow paying her back. Or if truly the police believed she was involved in Harry's death. She could not decide which scenario was worse. Her mind was so full that she could not really even comprehend the things the officers were telling her. Only weeks ago she had the perfect fairytale left, where had it all gone so wrong? She vowed to herself to never ever let her life get that good again, to never believe in that happy ending. It was far too painful to come crashing back down to earth.

She went with the police quietly to the station, resigned to the fact that her life was one giant mess that would never get any better. She heard Michelle promising to call a lawyer. Why should she need a lawyer she was innocent, she was hiding nothing. It was all a stupid mistake. It was all Alex. Maybe it was life's way of punishing her for all the things she had done wrong. In either case a lawyer would be of little use.

~

As Stevie woke in the hospital, she had no recollection of how she had come to be there, or what had happened in the hours in between. Her last memory was of getting in the car with the police, and then she had woken up here. She wondered if she had only dreamed about the police, she wondered if the whole awful week had been a dream. Maybe the whole year. Maybe she had hit her head very very very hard one day and been in a coma, dreaming of marrying Alex Ryan. Surely it was too good for real life. Surely all these crazy thing were not happening. Maybe she had been unconscious for the last five years. Maybe she had never come to Drovers. Maybe Claire was not dead. Maybe Claire and Alex were happily married. And she was still….still what ? Wandering aimlessly around the country wasting her life? Missing her little girl and trying so hard to save for a future but never getting anywhere? Somehow, in spite of all the bad things, she hoped that she had not dreamed her life.

As she turned to see Michelle sitting at her side she began to realise that nothing had been a dream.  
She found herself relieved. At least her life had been real and she was not going crazy. Her smile soon faded as she noticed the worried expression on her sisters face.

"What's wrong?" Stevie asked her.

"Nothing, just rest." Michelle had answered her.

"My baby?" Stevie had asked, terrified that something had happened.

"The baby is fine, everything is fine, just rest." Michelle assured her.

Although she wanted to ask so many things, she could not help but close her eyes and surrender to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Stevie looked over her shoulder as she picked up the phone and dialled the number of Drovers Run.  
She had been so foolish to trust Michelle. After all this time what on earth made her think she could trust her sister now? They were all in on it together, Michelle, and those stupid doctors, and the police. It was all a terrible trick to try and kill her baby. She saw it very clearly now.

She thought back to the previous hours. Those doctors and her sister united against her, and trying to convince her to murder an innocent baby. It made her head spin.

_"There is no choice. " The Dr had said "To continue with this pregnancy would place your life in jeopardy. You would almost certainly die, in which casse the baby would die also Mrs Ryan. I realise it is distressing, but the only option is to terminate the pregnancy. It's a very simple procedure. Complications are rare. You are young, you will have more children. If you could please sign these consent forms we can get things organised."_

_At first she had argued with him. What a stupid man, to think she would honestly agree to let them kill her baby. He didn't know anything. She felt fine, better than fine. That doctor knew nothing. And she was determined she would not let him or anyone else hurt her baby. _

_It was when she realised that her sister was on their side that she begun to panic._

"Please Stevie, you must listen to the Dr. "

"You never cared about me. Never for one minute. You only ever cared about Rose. And now because you know that I wont let you have this baby you want to kill it. You don't care about me or my baby. I don't know how you can live with yourself."

"Stevie how can you say such a thing to me?"

Michelle looked so hurt that for a moment Stevie felt bad, just a brief moment. 

_"Please Stevie you have to listen to the Dr. You need to look after yourself. There is nothing you can do for the baby if you are dead. And what about Rose? Rose needs you, you can't risk your life like this, its foolish and unfair."_

"Rose never needed me. She only ever needed you."

"Stevie that isn't true, I'm sure Rose would disagree with that strongly."

"My pregnancy with Rose was complicated too, not that you would remember since you weren't around. You just showed up to take away my baby girl. You wouldn't have cared if I died then. What if I had taken the easy way out then? Rose would not even be here. Just go away, you don't know wht you are talking about."

"Stevie it's not the same." Michelle tried to protest, having given up for the moment on arguing about whether she did care or had ever.

_"Those doctors don't know anything, not about me or my baby, they don't know what they are talking about, we will be fine. It is my choice and my life and my baby and you won't tell me what to do."_

Michelle fell silent at that moment, and Stevie almost believed she had convinced her. It was only later when she overheard Michelle and the Dr talking in the corridor that he realised she had been so foolish to believe it.

"She is not in her right mind Doctor." Michelle had explained "Things have been very difficult lately, she is not thinking clearly."

"Yes I can see that." The Dr replied.

"Please you must do whatever you have to in order to save her life." Michelle asked of him.  
_  
"Of course, there really is no choice." He replied. "I have taken an oath to save lives. And I agree with you that your sister is in no fit state to make this decision. I will require you as next of kin to sign some papers."_

"Of course." Michelle had answered. 

In that moment Stevie realised she could trust no one. They were all out to kill her baby. Only one person would help her now and that was Alex. No matter how much he hated her, surely he would not let these people kill his unborn child. He would not. She knew it. Even if it meant she never saw her child again, even if Alex took it away from her and they left her behind forever, at least she would know they were alright. Alex would help her. As she thought about running to him, and him protecting her and her baby, all the bitterness and doubts fell away. She would not ever hold those things against him, she would never hate him again if only he would help them now. And she knew he would. She had no doubt. He would forget all his anger too when he found out about the baby.

Still, ringing him up just like that was not an easy thing to do. She did not know where to start to explain. She did not want him to get angry and hang up. She had to see him in person, to explain, and to make sure he understood. She would ask Grace to come and collect her.

She did not say too much to Grace, not certain she could trust her either. She would trust no one but Alex. He was the only one who would care about their baby. She called as soon as she had snuck away from the hospital, wanting to make sure Grace left to collect her before Michelle figured out she had run away. Michelle would call Drovers, Stevie knew that, and somehow Michelle would convince them all of her horrible lies, just as she had convinced that Dr. Stevie had to get away before that happened.

Grace was pleased and surprised to hear Stevie's voice on the other end of the phone.

"I've been thinking about what you said Grace. You are right. I need to tell Alex about the baby. I'm sure we can work something out. I really need to see him. But I can't call him, I need to see him in person. Could you come and get me?"

"Sure, of course." Grace had answered, not mentioning that it was the middle of the night and that surely it could wait until the morning.

"Thank you Grace. You're a great friend. I won't forget this."

"No problem. I'll be there soon."

As Grace hung up the phone she wondered if she should have mentioned to Stevie that Alex had been gone the last few days. Grace did not know where he had gone, nor why. But she decided to keep quiet. Maybe Alex would be back by tomorrow. And in any case it was the right thing for Stevie to come home to Drovers.

~

That night Alex could not sleep. He had not slept in days. Time was running out so quickly and he would not waste a single second in his search for Stevie. After four days he had begun to realise Michelle may have been lying to him. He cursed himself for not realising sooner. He had been so intent on finding his wife that he had not stopped to think. But he had searched for days the town Michelle had given him. And he hated to admit it, he had been wasting his time. He was so angry at Michelle, how could she do this to him knowing how little time he had left? And why?

He was back to square one and would return home in the morning to start his search again. Perhaps he would hire a private investigator to find his wife. But even that would do him no good if she refused to speak with him. He had to find some way to reach her. Before it was too late.

At that moment his phone rang and he reached for it eagerly hoping to hear his wife on the other end.

"Stevie?" He asked hopefully.

"Mr Ryan, It's Dr …"

"I'm kind of busy.." Alex mumbled. What use was a Dr to him now, he was dying, he had other things to sort out."

"I wont take much of your time. I have some news I think you may be interested in. There is a new treatment for your condition. It's only in the experimental stages mind you, It hasn't been tested…"

"Treatment? " Alex asked in shock. "There is no treatment. You told me there is nothing you can do." Alex replied, not letting himself believe in a treatment that may never happen.

"Yes, as I mentioned it's highly experimental. But the research is promising."

"Great well give it to me!" He demanded

"It isn't cheap, and there may be side effects, it may not work.."

"I can afford it. I don't care about side effects."

'It may not be a cure, you understand, It's a treatment that may or may not improve your condition."

"I'll take my chances. What choice do I have? When can I start?"

"That's the other thing. It is not legal in Australia. The treatment is part of an experimental research program in London. You would have to spend several weeks, possible months, in London participating in the research program. You need to be there by the end of the week."

"No problem." Alex replied "Give me the details and I'll be there."

As he hung up he felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders. All these months he had convinced himself there was no hope. And now there may be. He did not want to get his hopes up, very possibly he would still die, but maybe this would buy him some more time. He had to think positive and give it a chance.

He must find Stevie before he left. How could he leave without speaking to her? What if the treatment did not work and he died over there, never having a chance to explain or say goodbye or tell her how much he loved her? He could not leave without that. But then surely Stevie would want him to. Maybe he would be cured and they could have their lifetime together. Surely he could not give up on that chance, surely Stevie would not want him to. He would find her first, before the end of the week, that was the only solution. It would be easier to tell her now, now that there was some hope. He could not let his mind wonder about what he would do if he did not find her before the end of the week.


End file.
